Hello, Summer!

I hate typing things with my fat fingertips on the tiny lettered "keyboard" of my phone.  I feel so awkward and dumb.  If I bring the laptop into my daughters room at bedtime we're almost guaranteed to have a fight over not watching Daniel Tiger so, iPhone it is. 

I've tried to blog over and over again the past couple of months and have started and stopped over two dozen times; I'm going to take this opportunity while I have this on my heart.  

I'm running on a lot of passion, my passion tank is full; there's a lot I feel I need to say and while it's been a while I reflect on a little advice given to me when experiencing a dry spell or writers block..."just write something, if you have to go back and fix it, fine, but just put something in that blank space". 

Tonight I sit by my girl's bed as she very quickly drifts off to sleep.

This is unusual.  She usually fights tooth and nail, like a crazy caged baby coyote.  If you didn't know, despite their cuteness even baby coyotes are some of the toughest most aggressive little predators.  Thankfully they are, in relation to my youngest child, merely a simile.  

We just got back from a family trip, and by family I mean my husband's brothers, their families and his parents who organized the whole thing.  We had a great time kayaking, swimming, boating, tubing and enjoying all the summertime activities a Texas lake and state park has to offer.  Everyone seemed to not only enjoy the occasion but each other which seems such a blessing I wouldn't dare take for granted. To have a family bonded and not only put up with each other but enjoy each other is a very special thing.

Tomorrow I leave for a road trip where I'm flying solo.  I'm taking my kids to visit my sister.  They haven't seen her in 3 years.  

I'll make today's post short, even though I've spent quite a while in silence.  

I've been quiet because there has been a lot going on.  

Back in April I strained my calf muscle in an idiotic workout scenario, rendering me relatively useless and in a walking boot for about a week and a half followed by 2 weeks of “no strenuous activity”.   My right calf literally made a popping sound and stopped working while my overweight booty tried to kick it hard core during TurboFire.  This ended in the ER and was thankfully not any more complicated than a strained/torn muscle.

Then I had jaw surgery I have been dreading for years; they basically cleaned out the right side of my arthritic jaw and anchored my tendons and ligaments back in place.  Now I can open and close my mouth without my jaw unhinging.  Yay!

While I'm left with an overall amazing improvement permanently, I'm also dealing with some facial swelling (as if I needed help with that? Round face...plus aging/fat....plus jaw surgery...plus later mentioned foot treatment oral steroids....new definition of puffy) and other residual symptoms of healing temporarily that I'm told will take only months to resolve including some nerve pressure and pain.

 I also have been treated again for my old lady feet with cortisone injections and oral steroids as well as therapeutic taping and massage.  Plantar fasciitis, neuroma and now tendinitis are on my list of prices I pay for being active, wearing cute shoes in my past life, being a dancer and then a nurse and a momma.  

There were no workouts for a while being that my feet/legs/hips didn't want to function in synchrony but I find that a small price to pay for the ability to not only chase after my children but to also walk and not hobble with relative ease especially after being still for more than a couple minutes.

These issues have dramatically changed my workout and weight loss plans.

I mention all of that because this summer, the summer I wanted to spend slimmer, healthier and in a cute retro swimsuit sort of snuck up on me.

Life tends to do that and repeatedly.  

Life for me lately has been challenging, brilliantly joyous, frustrating, sometimes debilitating, full of hope and opportunity and some days a complete stagnant stand still.

All that to say, this time of year, of fun and vacations, sandals and swimsuits has crept up on me in stealth mode and I'm a little shocked and disappointed with what I see in the mirror.

In February I thought I'd be slimmer by now.  I'd hoped I'd be more comfortable in my own skin.  

I'm not slimmer but I sure am comfortable and I'll tell you why.

I'm not twenty two anymore.  I'm ok with that.  ‘Im not trying to squeeze into some trendy two piece at the lake, sucking in and standing up straight hoping to appear my best self.

  I've decided this girl hates wearing belly baring two pieces, for one thing.  Not that I’d ever wear one again at this point.

I'm a proud mother of three.  I'm a momma bear.  I'm a warrior wife.  Being such isn't always dainty and pretty let alone the picture perfect image plastered on the cover of a magazine; even a trendy cute parental type magazine.

I bought a very athletic and full coverage short and tank top swim set at Sam's.  I got it in hopes of kayaking and not simultaneously fighting a bikini brief wedgie or having to wear a shifty pair of quick dry running shorts (and by that I mean shorts that lay sort of comfortable around mid-thigh when standing still only to shriek and retreat somewhere slightly below crotch level when I sit down or attempt to walk slow or fast) over my swim suit. 

This black and teal two piece beauty is now my favorite suit this summer.  

I don't care if I'm skinny.  (For those of you healthconcious folks, yes, I'm trying to recuperate physically from this Spring, eat right, work out, blah blah blah 😉 I know all that's important; I get it).  I don't care if I look the exact opposite of a Victoria's Secret model.  I don't care if I don't look like I did 18 years ago; there is a lot of life that's happened between then and now.  

My husband finds me attractive and that's really all I'll ever be too concerned about.  

I will continually strive to be strong and healthy.  There are things about me I will change when life doesn't stand as a blockade; I know what is healthy.  Obviously a lot of that is weight, diet, excercise and to some of you expensive supplements 😉, clean eating 😉😉; there is a pressure release here, though.  Yes, there are things I'm trying to change but right now I'm pretty gosh darn happy with what God has given me.  

Judge me or no, I'm an overweight momma at the beach; I'm the muffin top momma in my denim shorts you think should've used spanks paired with perhaps some cuter shoes; I'm the slightly fluffy girl tubing with my 4 year old on the lake; I'm the momma wrangling my crazy kids at the museum; I'm the girl that was so used to skirting what the world deemed "attractive" in my youth that it seemed I'd always and forever miss that mark.  

I'm the grown woman who knows better; so much more than what I need to weigh.

  I'm wearing a full coverage two piece I bought at Sam's.  I'm laughing with my sons and dragging my daughter on a floaty through lake water, giggling. I'm going home to a man that loves me, knows me and wants me.  

This is my summer.  Though not what I envisioned, I'm going to drink it up like a cold lemonade on a hot, humid Texas day regardless of my swim suit.   Just because you're not where you want to be physically or cosmetically doesn't mean you can't drink up the days and enjoy them.  I've let that hold me back before but I'm done. 

As women I think this is a huge stumbling block for us.  We seem to want to prove something.  In effect we wear our insecurities, our guilt, our regrets like a pair of worn out, ill fitting cut off shorts.  We sort of punish ourselves inwardly.  In reality we should have the peace of mind to own the day, the vacation, the day trip to the lake as it is separate and apart from any thing else.  It is the present and you only get it once.  

If you find yourself a little disappointed in yourself for not meeting the goals you set because life got in the way, don’t sweat it.  It’s gone now, you might as well strut your stuff and enjoy everything the present moment has to offer.

Here's to summer fun, full coverage swim suits and road trips!