I Am Not a Jellyfish - Part Two

Proverbs 31 is the gold standard, what I and many others have viewed as the description of the ideal Godly woman.  I’ve read it over and over, especially when I’ve felt a little lost. 

There are entire blog sites and websites and book series devoted to how we, as women, can be more like the Proverbs 31 woman:

Proverbs 31:

The Wife of Noble Character

10 [b]A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

I’ll be completely honest with you.  This is incredibly intimidating for me.  I read this and I can’t help but be aware, and in a very visceral way, of my own failings and shortcomings.  Not eating the bread of idleness?  Laughing at the future?  Her husband has full confidence in her?  Really?! 

Sometimes I can’t see straight; my anxieties overwhelm me.  I DO worry about the future and all the possible terrible things that can happen to my little family; I don’t think I could laugh at it.

You know what?  Sometimes I’m so tired at the end of the day that all bets are off.  What I had planned on being an example of exemplary parenting and example setting ends up in chaos and carnage.  Instead of daily read-alouds everyone’s on their tablets with headphones on and I’m eating Cheetos and having that nightcap so I can finally relax and sleep better.

So many of my idealistic goals for myself as a wife and mother have fallen flat over the years and in part, this is a good thing because as a result I’m more pragmatic and realistic.  Another part of me, however, mourns the loss of those dreamed up achievements. 

In the past, I’ve looked at the latter half of Proverbs 31 like a to-do list, “things to achieve before I’m a legit Christian woman”.  I want that.  I want to be rock solid like so many Christian, Godly women that I respect and admire.  When I look at that “list”, though, I can’t help but understand I have a huge amount of work to do and who knows if I’ll ever really get it done?  I look at myself and I feel so weak and I come up so short.

It’s like how I feel when I go to Central Market.  I love to cook and while mostly I’m a pretty simple southern cook, sometimes I like to fancy it up a bit.  Every once in a while I’ll get it in my head to go to Central Market and get inspired.  So, I’ll drive out there and admire the beautiful things they have on display outside while I park, maybe it’s hatch chili season or they’ve got all the pumpkins known to man out there.  Always though, always, once I’m inside I get so overwhelmed with the choices of wild caught salmon and imported cheeses that I usually leave empty handed except for a chocolate croissant I shamed myself into buying and scarfing down in the car. 

Sometimes I look at Proverbs 31 through the lens of a husband or child, as if this was a list of job requirements for a wife or mother.  That’s kind of the attitude that it’s approached with in many places I’ve studied.  Like it’s the grading system.  I tell you, while I’d love to ace this test, again I’d fail with a big F. 

On my best days I’m a rock star.  Do you ever have a day like that?  Or a phase in your life?  Where you feel like you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be and totally KILLING this gig?  Maybe your kids have gotten complimented for their excellent behavior?  (ha.) Maybe you made a whole week’s worth of meals ahead of time?  Did you work out for a whole month?  Did you lose that 15 pounds? Did you finally figure out what your husband meant when he said that thing he said and you finally saw eye to eye and felt like a real, live power couple that was going to completely kick some tail at, I don’t know, something? 

Has God ever laid it on your heart to do something?  When you start out doing that thing you feel so sure of yourself and confident but eventually that enthusiasm fades.  Black and white blur to grey and you end up in a bit of a fog.

I know you’ve had those high days and those low days when the sparklers have fizzled out in the dark.  I have too.  We have them because, believe it or not, God made us with a purpose, with real, tangible gifts that are meant to be a blessing and to be used for His Glory and boy, is His Glory bigger and better than anything we can imagine or drum up on our own.

Lately I’ve been missing the mark on a lot of things.  I’ve had some negative influences really pulling me down and as of yesterday I’ve decided that this is beyond a shadow of doubt, Satan trying to prevent me from serving God the way that He intended.  I’m in a self-deprecating fog. 

I’ve decided to look at Proverbs 31 in a different way. 

It’s not a to-do list, or a list of qualifications.  It’s not a wish list for the perfect Godly woman. 

All that amazing stuff in that passage, that stuff that seems so far out of reach when you’re struggling with the day to day stuff like startling behavior issues and dirty bathrooms. You can’t possibly imagine “considering a field and buying it” let alone cooking dinner tonight.

It’s because of two things.  One, God made us all to serve him in a unique and amazing way and to His Glory.  The other side of that is He never meant for us to do those amazing things by only pulling from our own inner resources and strengths.  That Proverbs 31 gal sounds amazing.  I’d love to be her.  However, I do not have it inside me to achieve those things and when I read it as a list I feel so discouraged.  Maybe I could manage for a day, and tick things off the list but there’s no way I could sustain it, even at my best.

Secondly, that lady in the scripture IS possible, BUT she’s a combination of your God given gifts, and, wait for it…. GOD.  God is your strength and your resource. 

You’re a shiny new, all equipped vehicle with all sorts of cool do-dads and gadgets.  If God isn’t your gas and your GPS, you’re going nowhere and fast.  If God isn’t your fuel and your direction, of course that lady seems like some impossibly perfect woman that has never existed. 

We can be her.  But, we can’t burn up our own resources because we are for sure going to stall out and give up. 

Ya’ll?  This wife and mother thing is hard!  I know lots of marriages that have disintegrated and I know about lots of torn and broken relationships.  Real people, real issues; women with their backs up against a wall doing all they have just to paddle against the current.  We’re tired. 

I love to be self-reliant.  This explains, partly my obsession with making things from scratch and pioneering.  So, for me, relying on God doesn’t come naturally.  I’ve had a lot of times in my life when I had no one to look out for my needs except for me and I’ve prided myself of being independent.  I know a lot of us are like that. 

I also know that those days, when we feel so confident, like superheroes, those days when we feel so blessed that God has given us a mission don’t have to fizzle out the next time we miss the mark.  We just need an active, studious relationship with God and to keep our eyes on fixed on Him and His word.  We need to keep our eyes toward Him.  When we don’t, of course we feel like the imperfect humans we are. 

I’m tired of feeling like a fraud and a failure and I’m certain that neither of us have to. 

God made us beautiful and we have purpose and we can be those confident super heroes serving their God given purpose.  WITH GOD, fighting alongside the biggest, mightiest and highest of good guys. 

We're not jellyfish, but we don't have to make our current either.