In this my Fortieth Year Part Three
Embracing Imperfection: This one is for the Mommas with kiddos still at home
Since we moved in September, some weeks have been great on the home front. I mean, I feel like there are times when the house is clean, the laundry is done and I’m checking off all my “mom” boxes. I’m organized. I’m efficient. I can count on my hand the days its been since I mopped, the floor is clear of shed dog fur, dust bunnies and the kid’s rooms not only aren’t littered with laundry, the stench of such doesn’t waft down the hallway willing it’s way into my nostrils. I feel like everyone is getting adequate love and care, beautiful teaching moments and everyone is doing well.
Some weeks I’ve got all the meals prepped and we don’t eat out. We snack on fruits and vegetables, homemade baked goods and eat the wholesome meals I’ve prepared from scratch. Some weeks I actually have the time and energy to clean up the messy kitchen afterward which I should tell you is no simple task. It’s not only my least favorite household chore but I’m a terribly messy cook.
Some weeks are stellar. I’m killing it. I’m poised on top of the mom mountain and my cape is fluttering in the wind behind me; my hair wild, waving with confidence and my eyes shining, full of pride.
This is by far NOT every week.
What do we do in the weeks that aren’t like that?
What do you do when you look around and your family, whom you love; your kids that you birthed show no regard for the house you are trying to keep? When underwear and single socks out about town looking for mates nonsensically litter places like the back porch and the living room? When the dog barfs up a half-eaten plastic mickey mouse on the floor of an already filthy room contaminating not only a random kids’ meal toy from Chick Fil a but also a church dress, both of which SHOULD NOT have been even near the floor or the dog in the first place?
Your wash soured in the washing machine because you forgot to move it to the dryer because you were calming a screaming child upset about a cheapo fast food toy that ended up in the trash can under a heap of dog barf soiled paper towels?
Your car looks like a hobo lives in it and smells like it too? You left a couple members of your gaggle in the playroom and they not only destroyed it, but they glued and glittered the dog??
When you feel alone in your efforts, rushed, stressed, overwhelmed at the clutter and the mess and the LACK of help from those you love the most? When you want to pull your hair out and go absolutely bat sh** crazy until someone notices that you demand better. You demand that your home is a place to live and love and not a messy hovel unfit for wild animal habitation.
What do you do then?
I’ll tell you what.
You might feel like the whole world is on your shoulders, momma. Your job is a hard one and not one to take lightly. Don’t misunderstand me, some things are completely and utterly out of your control and have absolutely NO BEARING ON YOUR WORTH or your impact as a mother or wife. That’s just the truth.
Now, when you feel like the mess never ends and you’re going to go stark raving mad, that’s a hard pill to swallow. Sometimes our frustration turns to shame. Other times and more often than not, we lash out at the people around us that caused a lot of the mess in the first place. Trying to fix the problems and raise your kids to not be useless jerks that litter public places and have poor hygiene are good things. Venting to friends and voicing frustration came be extremely helpful. Temporary and possibly unhealthy coping mechanisms such as Dr. Pepper might do in your weaker moments but what you cannot do is quit or feel like this is your fault.
One humble truth that has taken me a long time to learn is just because the day or the week is full of strife and frustration doesn’t mean the end goal is ruined. As a matter of fact, more often than not, that hard week, that dog barf, the screaming child, is all part of the job and you’re doing great at it.
If you walked into your average corporate job on a regular work day and your coworkers act like jerks, your company changes some policy that frustrates you and now you have to completely rearrange a project you were working on you wouldn’t blame yourself.
Mommas, it’s dang near the same thing. Your kids are going to try you and they’ll all do it in different ways, with different abilities, strengths and struggles. They’ll try your patience and you’ll feel like the odds are stacked against you. That not only speaks to messes and typical day to day but also to how different each kiddo’s needs are. The difference between this and a corporate workforce job is that you are personally, wholeheartedly, soulfully invested in the success of this project; your family.
So, on those days or weeks when you’ve got nothing left to give be merciful to yourself. Take a breath. Step away. The mess will keep.
Take a minute to rejuvenate yourself and get rid of the mess-induced, crazy making tunnel vision that moment has caused.
When my kids were smaller, in the moments when I felt like I just couldn’t breathe I was so overwhelmed with mess and responsibility, I’d drop it all and get down on the floor with them to play.
That looks a little different now that they’re older. Sometimes I call someone and send them off for an hour while I run an errand, grateful for the quiet of my hobo car during the drive. Sometimes I let my kids do whatever (as long as they’re safe) and I go to my room and read or do whatever I want to do.
It always helps me get back at it afterwards and be better, calmer and more at ease. When provoked I can do a really convincing “CRAZY MOM” and when I feel myself getting there, I must step away sometimes if only for a moment.
Back in the baby stage, with dishes in the sink, my skin feeling icky because I hadn’t showered yet while I listened to a screaming baby I would get to a point where I was at my wits end. Almost angry at my baby. I mean, I could feel those cries in my very core, and they rattled me and overwhelmed me. In those times I had to put the kiddo in the crib, grab the baby monitor and step outside to breathe and look at the sky and remember that the world is bigger than my situation and my job is more than just today or tomorrow.
My job as Momma is an enveloping always and there’s time regroup, breathe and be calm. There’s time to love myself a bit; spend some time on making myself healthier. Not everything is urgent or an emergency. Just because my kid is a jerk today doesn’t mean he won’t grow tomorrow. I just can’t quit.
You can’t listen to Satan’s whispers in those weak moments when you feel overwhelmed. You just can’t. He’ll tell you you’re not enough, that they’re not going to ever change or grow, that you’re going to fail and the dog barf, the hobo van, the dirty laundry is all evidence of that. He’ll make it seem impossible for this to all work out.
When you stop and breathe, listen. God will tell you He will carry you through and you’ll be better for it. It might not be a sunshine and rainbows kind of day but He’s still there.
When your kiddo screams in your face, just don’t quit. It’ll effect you, for sure, but you can’t quit. When your family leaves all their dishes, covered in food in the wrong side of the sink that sits conveniently beside an empty dishwasher, don’t quit. Also don’t hurt anyone (ha, ha ha…..) You can do this.
You have a very important job, that’s true. Raising children is God’s work I would even say it’s your ministry in this season of life. But you are equipped, you are strong, and you are capable. Take care of yourself, keep the crazy at bay and keep yourself nourished.
This is a marathon. This is an always.
It’s not perfect. Embrace that. One day you may even be able to lift someone up with a dog barf story.
Check back next Monday for Part Four.
