Twenty First Century Women

I've sort of sputtered and stalled every single time I've tried to write something lately.  I think that's mostly because I'm in a period of transition and change. 

We just moved, we're adding a fourth baby to our family, I mean, things are bananas.  So, while I've had all the feelings and contemplative moments in over-abundance with my brain over-sensitive heart generally in overhaul, I haven't really landed on something I felt I needed or even could share with any clarity. 

This is part of the beauty of writing for my own pleasure, without pressure or deadlines, but it is also inconsistent and unreliable for my very, very small audience. 

Nonetheless, today I have landed on something. 

During the past few months it has become apparent to me that I have been surrounded by some absolutely amazing women. 

Strong, smart, capable women. 

Most of them are in my Christian-mom-wife-peer group although there are some beautiful, supportive mentor-type relationships that have developed in the past couple of years as well.  There are also women in my family that have been an immense support and joy to know and love. 

I have been blessed and somewhat overwhelmed by the people God has placed in my life over the past few years precisely when I needed Him and subsequently them the most. 

All that being said, I've found myself in a circle of a few women, on similar paths to my own, discussing all the things. 

That’s how it goes, right?  We circle our wagons and we talk.  It’s what can sometimes separate us from the menfolk. 

The raising kids things, the marriage things, the God things, ALL the things that are day to day challenges and oftentimes struggles are all placed unabashedly on the table in sometimes casual and light discussion and sometimes in deep conversation. 

Lately, after sitting in on one of these pow wows I often have with beautiful women I know, I've noticed how spent I feel and overstimulated.  I'm physically tired. When I feel like I should have ended up uplifted and encouraged by their presence and their honesty I feel worn out and spent.    

Some of that is pregnancy, growing a human seems to suck down my energy pretty fast these days, but I think part of that is that there is a physical response to engaging on an emotional level with other people. 

As Christian women we feel called to support one another and when we sit and listen to or share all of the deep feelings it seems a natural part of that process. 

Now, I truly believe that God has called us to support and love one another and the way a lot of women do this is share.  Like I said, it’s our way.  We share our fears, our struggles, sometimes saying things out loud is an important part of working through something. 

While sometimes a wonderful blessing that enriches our relationships and brings us closer to not only one another but to God, I think this tradition can also often be a detriment to us as women.  I think Satan can sometimes use this part of our womanly nature to lead us astray. 

When I was eleven I had just moved to a new town and to a new school. 

I knew only a couple of kids so far.  There was a boy in our class who was slight and small and somewhat effeminate.  I never really noticed if he had many friends and honestly I can't remember much about him EXCEPT that one day some of the other girls in my class were making fun of him on the playground.  What started as only a couple of girls turned in to quite a few, saying mean things to him, pestering him, belittling him. 

Now, as a grown woman and mother this breaks my heart and I’m filled with shame that I even played a part in this. 

What started as a couple of fifth grade girls being little jerks turned into A LOT of fifth grade girls chasing a boy across the playground and when he happened to trip and fall, mercilessly giving him a few kicks with ked-shod little girl feet before moving on with the day.

I cannot imagine what impact that may have had on him and I cannot believe that I was part of it. 

Being a kid that generally flew under the radar, and generally abided by the rules I learned in Bible class about how I should "do unto others", it boggles my mind how I just happened to be in on that mob of little girls that ran that poor little boy down. 

I was there.

I was a participant.

I did not champion him or defend him. 

I got carried away on a wave, a tide of a small crowd that turned hateful and ugly. 

We’ve seen this on a much bigger scale.  When there is a nation in turmoil and a protest become violent.  It’s mob mentality. 

I think about the mob that called for Jesus’ crucifixion and do not think for one moment that I am immune from being carried away with an angry, hateful crowd. 

Later on in life, through school and even now as an adult I have found that we can almost immediately rationalize any of our own thoughts and behavior, especially when in a like-minded group. 

As women, and even as eleven-year-old girls, the power of group thinking is immense and mighty.  We can very quickly become an ugly mob and sometimes a more subtle but equally harmful variation. 

You'll see this when we begin to gossip (again, another thing we know good and well to steer clear away from thanks to Bible class).  Pretty soon, if we begin to discuss how irritating someone is or how frustrated we are with them we begin to get uglier and uglier and even justified in our disgust.  We rationalize not only the gossip but excuse our ugly thoughts and words because we're not alone in being annoyed or irritated.  We vent.  Our peers reciprocate and the anger and subsequent rationalization grows. 

Now, this isn't just a warning to not gossip and why. 

I've noticed that this pull of others through informal female discussion can also be a detriment on another front. 

Have you ever had someone let you "vent" about things that are frustrating you? 

Maybe your husband really ticked you off?  Which let’s be honest, it happens.  Talking about it helps you to “get it off your chest.  How they respond to your musing can oftentimes effect how you handle your frustration. 

How they respond can affect how you treat or respond to your husband, in this example. 

During particularly trying times I've had both sides of the coin as far as friendship goes. 

I have had friends that tell me what I should and should NOT put up with, encouraging me to take a stand on issues and set ultimatums.   

I've had other friends who listen to me, letting my words fall on understanding ears and scatter where they may, helping to organize my thoughts and feelings, then support me in doing the RIGHT thing according to God's plan in my life, never presuming to know exactly what this might be and giving that duty to God. 

These friends help me get across a river of emotion to a calm and refreshing bank of resolution, fairness and in the end, strength.  They take me from tumultuous waters to placid, peaceful streams.

Those are two very different outcomes. 

I think the same things works in groups.  Maybe you've been blessed with a group of women through church or wherever that you can sit and chat with and deep things begin to be shared. 

Our first instinct is to listen and commiserate.  We bless each other's hearts and we acknowledge the frustration or sadness or struggle and most of us even feel a bit of what the other person is feeling. 

We understand.  We relate.  We are more naturally empathetic than our male counterparts.  We are very, very good at that initial show of compassion and we all breathe and relax. 

Often though, that is where we stop.  When we do this, when our initial efforts of supporting one another are not intentional, I feel like we are giving Satan an invitation to jump in and determine WAY TOO MANY outcomes. 

The ending of such conversations, in the interest of supporting each other in our Walk with Christ should not stop at commiserating. 

We should listen. 

We should care.

We should be empathetic.

These things alone are not what will support each other on our journey.   These things alone do not bring us closer to Jesus’ feet. 

You might even find that commiseration alone leaves you feeling worn out and overstimulated.

There's another piece of the puzzle.

I am learning our dialogue should look more like this:

"Yes friend, that is hard.

Yes, that sucks.

I understand.

I’ve been there/I can’t imagine

...You know what?  You can totally do this.  God is bigger and is capable of giving you strength.  We can pray together, study together, laugh together but I WILL NOT let you fall prey.  I will not let you feel like this is too hard or God isn’t enough to handle it.  I will help you be strong.  I will help you carry this thing.  I will help you be joyful in all things.”

It has been a song sung on repeat in a lot of mom groups I’m in that life is hard.  We don’t get enough time for ourselves, we’re tired, we’re overwhelmed, and we need a “mom-cation”. 

You know what?  There is a lot expected of us and there’s a lot on our shoulders. 

When, did that become a burden we are not honored and privileged to carry?

I think about my pioneer women ancestors, carving out a life for their families in the wilderness with nothing but hard work and what they carried in on a covered wagon. 

Did they ever think they needed a mom-cation?  Or were they focused in on their God given duties, blessed with hard work and undisturbed by any social influences that told them they were weak and not enough? 

I have no idea what they talked about in their sewing circles or church meetings but I do assume that over the years our dialogue may have changed. 

Instead of helping one another, we stop at feelings.

Instead of encouraging one another, we stop at empathy.

Like I said, we’re great at commiserating but then stop short at what to do. 

Venting amongst our peers should be healthy and useful.  We should however, encourage each other not to wallow in our misery. 

Because God is enough. He makes us enough.  All we have to do is ask and follow Him. 

So, if you missed it the last time you sat in a circle of well-meaning women venting your frustrations and voicing your fears, I want to tell you you’re enough.  You can sort through this.  You are strong and capable.  Don’t let Satan convince you otherwise.  Stay the course and hold tight to Jesus and you will not fail in the end. 

One of your kids going through a complete crazy phase and you’re absolutely lost at what you should do?  God knows, lean in darling.  Lean in on him and the gifts that He’s given you.  You’ve got this. 

You are a warrior inside and a tough pioneer. 

Your husband behaving in a way that makes you want to simultaneously throw up and pull your hair out?  Honor and worship God and do right by your Creator.  The rest will settle out.  I promise. 

You are a warrior, a conqueror. 

Financial burdens, over commitments and stress weighing down your shoulders like a two-ton wild animal chained to your neck?  Breathe.  You’ve got this.  You have the strength and ability as a follower of God to sort through this, to shed what needs to be shed and focus on what needs to be focused on.  You CAN be diligent and intentional, and you CAN DO THIS. 

You are a warrior.  You will battle through. 

The next time you’re in a group and feel the sweet comradery of female friends, enjoy.  It is a true blessing.  But don’t forget to support each other in a way that is pleasing to God. 

This may be one of the greatest things missing from our generation as women and I pray that we don’t pass it down to our daughters.  I pray that we show them God has blessed us with amazing gifts and we are strong.