Imperfection
A year ago-ish, I completed a Whole 30. If you don’t know about it, look it up. For 30 days you are to consume no soy or legumes, no alcohol, no grains of any kind, no sugar or other natural or artificial sweeteners and no dairy. There are some other suggestions, but these are the hard and fast rules. It’s intended to beat your cravings and basically make your body function optimally without an irritated inflammatory process going on.
It was a simple approach with a lot of scientific backing that made sense. It really did make me feel good and I did lose quite a bit of weight in 30 days, though at the time I was also training for a half marathon.
If you’ve read all of this so far, you may be thinking that I like to torture myself. You know what? Maybe there’s some truth to that. I have often found myself striving to be who I think I’m supposed to be, becoming an image that I’ve visualized as the ideal me. I am washed out by social media and our current culture.
You see, I’ve often found myself in a place where in I don’t feel I’m entirely complete unless I’m doing some sort of massive overhaul of some part of my person. Since I did a whole 30 a year ago, I’ve tried to do it again hoping for the same results in the weight loss department. I just recently started it again. You know what? I don’t care how much science is out there backing it up, it’s stupid. It’s stupid for me, anyway.
Before I go on, I have to note, I have a fundamental belief that the closer your food is to the way that God intended you to eat it (not processed, no additives, etc.) the better it is for you. We’re a meat and vegetables family. I try and cook for myself and my family this way as best as I can with the exception of things we eat in moderation because well, they’re good and we don’t care how bad for us they are and other items that we buy because of cost.
That being said, the Whole 30 or any other crazy strict, unrealistic lifestyle overhaul is not for me. I let myself believe, yet again, that I’m not good enough and one of my imperfections needed to be sanded down, smoothed out and fixed. Maybe enjoying some of the “bad foods” is ok. Maybe not spending a fortune on a grocery trip to Whole Foods is ok, seeing as how it might derail the financial goals of our family. Plus, have you been in Whole Foods? I hate that place so much. So much pretentiousness, so much overpriced produce so much kale and dreadlocks and so little use of good old fashioned soap and deodorant. It wouldn’t break my heart to never go back there ever again.
Do you have any idea how much of the no-no foods in the whole 30 are in EVERYTHING you buy at the store? It’s ridiculous and while I don’t have time to speak to the ridiculousness of food marketing itself these days or the exorbitant cost of real food grown in the ground or on a farm by real people, I would like to say I get it. However, I have neither the time nor the desire to drag my three children to 4 stores on our biweekly grocery trips, just to eat the same chicken sausage I’ve had every day this week and still buy my children cost effective chicken nuggets that were simply made and frozen by Tyson instead of the ones hand rolled by magical leprechauns and made from mystical chickens raised pure and free range and organic in the majestic forests of Oregon and packaged in an edible bag made of kale and seaweed.
The thing is, I like food. It’s a part of my DNA. I love to cook, especially good Southern food or a little tex-mex. I love to eat a good home cooked meal with my family and have my boys tell me, “you’re the best chef ever!” I love to talk about food and share it with friends. I may not be able to say the right thing or dress myself right, but I can feed you. It is ONE thing I do well and one of my few gifts.
I’m a big fan of diligence and intentionality in your life. You make the changes you want to see happen, have a goal, make a plan and work the plan. But this? NO. I’m doing this because I don’t like myself. As much as I’d like to fool myself, I’m doing this because I can’t “feel” happy unless I’m lighter. I’m holding back on this, that or the other until I lose some weight (amongst other things).
Last night, after I voiced some frustration about not being able to eat the fried chicken I was laboring on, I said to my husband “Why am I doing this?!” His answer: “I think you like to feel bad.” As much as I wanted to disagree with him, I think he’s right. In my mind I rationalize it, that I’m striving towards a better me. In reality, I’m looking at all my imperfections and they become stumbling blocks. I consider that I must perfect them before I move on, before I do what I feel called to do.
It’s taken me about 36 years to realize something that I just learned by reattempting this. I’ve had an epiphany; I don’t need an overhaul.
The thing is, you strip me of the ability to fry some chicken or make some brownies and I’m no longer me. I’m some crazy woman who fumes at her children, stress-sweats a lot and wonders if she should be on some sort of anti-anxiety med.
So first of all, yeah, I’d love to lose weight and likely will. I see the importance of staying healthy and treating your body as a gift from God. But ya’ll, I’ve had 3 giant babies, been married for 13.5 years, been through some beautiful seasons and some incredibly tough times and lived to tell the tale. And there’s much more ahead of me, Lord willing. So what if ideally I’d like to be 20 pounds lighter? I cannot devalue myself because of that.
If you’re like me and are struggling with perfecting something because of some image social media or society in general has shoved down your throat I’m begging you to reject that image and love the one in the mirror instead. God made you, in His image. That’s Big.
Continue to work, to improve. But don’t drive yourself crazy.
I’m going to embrace my imperfection and those beautiful people God has placed in my life that love me despite and sometimes because of them. Also, if you’re gonna love me, love me WITH my fluff and I’ll likely make you some cookies. Who doesn’t like that?
