Cast

I come to you tonight broken.  I’ve been on my knees a lot lately, pleading with my heavenly Father.  While He was always there, listening, responding, I couldn’t hear Him for all the fear and anxiety in my own heart and mind.  It clatters and clangs inside of me until I hear nothing else.  This is nothing new. 

I read recently about how the things you tell yourself, about you, make a big difference in your life.  I’ve noticed I really, truly do not have a lot of nice things to say during my inner dialogue.  I’m a sinner and a repeat offender at that.  My husband is too good for me, my kids deserve a better mother, I should do more about my relationship with God, I should keep my household in better order.  There’s a lot of things I endeavor to fix about myself, by myself and always come up short and shaming myself.  Shame can twist and coil inside of you, spit fire and weigh you down all at the same time. 

When it comes to mistakes I make the same ones repeatedly, no matter how badly I regret them; I always rationalize my way out of doing the better thing.  I’ve let fear and anxiety rule over me like a schoolyard bully and done things, stupid things, just to avoid the pain of getting beat up again.  I know what the right thing is and often choose not to do it in brief moments and sometimes long term; giving in to whatever peace I can find in that moment rather than enduring discomfort for the greater good or the better plan. 

I’ve said over and over again, to friends and to my children, that nothing worth doing is ever easy.  I truly believe this but something inside of me leads me astray from that hard work and diligence sometimes.  Sometimes that burning anxiety in my gut is so great that all I can see is the safest route and I run like a scared little animal right into the trap Satan set for me, being the crafty camouflaged evil that he is. 

I’ve had this burden on my shoulders for a long time.  It’s hard to explain.  I’ve had streaks of really “killing” this wife, mother, friend and Christ follower thing and all is well in those moments, or at least that’s how I feel.  When I stumble?  Well, then it’s incredibly difficult for me to even think about God’s grace and being joyful about it; to accept His mercy and finally lean on Him.  To focus on what He’ll do with my life rather than on how I can control as many factors as I can is nearly impossible, all on my own that is. 

It seems so very wrong, for me to not only be forgiven once, but repeatedly.  It makes me melancholy and dark, knowing full well I have absolutely no right to be happy.  I am the most underserving person I can think of.  To skate by and get be forgiven is one thing, but to be happy?  This is a very wordly view, I know but It’s hard to get around for me.  If you sinned you should be ashamed of yourself.  You should feel regret, for people like me it seems you should even punish yourself, never really forgive yourself even though the creator of the entire universe already has. 

So, it is this, this filthy combination of my own shame resulting from the fact that I’ve fallen back into some bad habits when handling our family and our money along with my persistent fear and anxiety that has led me to this blog this evening.  My heart understands that I am forgiven but I carry around the shame just the same.  It’s pretty self-destructive and I hope that I’m not spouting craziness in a relatively public way and that maybe this will help someone else who similarly struggles. 

Friends send me bible verses that are meant to be uplifting and hopeful.  I seek out comfort in God’s word on my own as well.  Especially when I don’t have any answers for my current situation.  Sadly, when I see my plans are all spinning out of control, casting bright light on my inadequacies, is when I decide to really go running, crying to God. 

When trying to comfort those burdened with worry and struggling with their Faith a couple of often repeated verses come to mind.  The one I always think of is “Cast All your anxiety on Him because He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). 

When we’re struggling, it is so easy to look at things so flat and two dimensionally.  It’s easy to see problems one at a time, pray for them and expect resolution like untying knots in a rope.  The thing about the knots is that they’re all attached to the whole rest of the rope.  Untie one and you’ve made more.  I think that’s what life is like without God, or in my case trying to control everything all on my own and stumbling while I attempt it.   My own fumbling hands only make more knots.

I read this verse and I think my prayer should be while grappling with my own worry, “God help!  Please take care of this problem!  I’ve lost control and can’t do it on my own anymore!”  In reality that should’ve been what my heart said all along. 

All my life I’ve missed something very important about ALL the verses we refer to when we’re worried and anxious.  While I know full well that God could simply take care of all my troubles in a flash of lightening and make it all better, I think there’s more here than meets the eye, especially the eye overcome with shame, worry and regret.  It’s action words.  Yes, translations don’t always reflect the correct connotation intended for words written in ancient languages, however, it’s pretty obvious that while we could never, ever actually deserve his help, something IS required of us; there’s something we need to do. 

In 1 Peter 5:7 for example, you don’t just lay there like a blob, you cast.  You take your troubles and you desperately and decidedly shed yourself of them with the Faith that God will take care of you!  You can trust Him, but you must give it over.  When Jesus gives us direction in the Bible, we must follow it; follow Him.  “COME to me…”, “FOLLOW me…”, “…by prayer and petition PRESENT your requests to God”.  It’s not a passive process.  Throw it.  Cast it.  Quickly toss it or however we should say that. 

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve crouched in the darkness of my own regret and prayed.  It’s hard for me to trust and it’s very hard to believe that I can tell that biting feeling of anxiety and fear to get lost because if I give God my heart, even my flaws just might make it on the list of things that eventually glorified God being forgiven and remade, in His 3-dimensional vast plan.   

There are two things that have been light bulb moments for me this week that’d I’d like to share. 

First, while I am no Bible scholar, I know that God has a plan for us.  I know he might not instantly relieve our troubles, but we need to come to him over and over again in the good and the bad and trust Him.  He loves us and he wants to be in on it all!  Like a proud Father, exactly like that come to think of it. 

Secondly, there is no ugly that’s too ugly for Grace.  We know that He will forgive us repeatedly. 

Friends, I wish someone told me long ago that Grace is for me, truly, even the darkest most flawed piece of me.  It’s for YOU.  It’s the only way your life will ever be any kind of right.  Because we are all sinners, all repeat offenders none of us are good enough but when we’re with God and walking the path He has set out for us, leaning on Him, trusting Him.

Do you know how it feels to be home?  To know you can relax.  God is our home.  Relax.  Maybe you had a bad day, maybe it’s been storming for weeks, months or years, but go home.  Tell that shamed inner jerk face to can it, because God tells a different story about you.  Let Him tell it. 

I pray this for you and ask that you pray this for me as well.  We’re going to fall and need helping up.  Not everything will be sunshine and roses but we’ll be home.