You Can't Be Everything and You're Not Enough
It’s raining here and hard for the first time in what feels like a very, very long time. Gusts of wind are rattling the branches on the trees and giant glassy drops are hitting the dry, dusty soil. It smells like rain and hay except I know it’s just the dead, dry grass coming to life by scent getting bathed in the fresh water.
We’ve waited so long for Fall, and it seems like it’s here. I stopped a minute before leaving church tonight to breathe in the scene of the sunset, all peachy and golden encircled by a bruised, purple incoming thunderstorm. With the changing of the seasons blowing in it seems an apt time to start this blog up again. It’s been on my heart to do so for a few months but sometimes I get so tripped up with things not looking exactly like I wanted them to, or I wait until I have the perfect conditions to do a thing that I sabotage myself and not do the things I really want to do.
The past few years have been a lot. A lot of blessings and a lot of struggle too. It seems like I should’ve put a lot of days, months and years into words, so I come to this page burdened with so much to share and a sense of duty to catch everyone up that it becomes too mammoth a task and a quit. I have several dozen blog beginnings on my computer that I just couldn’t finish.
Nevertheless, I’m here. Like I said, it’s been on my heart to get back to this as an outlet for myself and hopefully an encouragement to others. If you’ve come this far, please read to the end because I’m going to say something you might not like at first; something that goes against the grain of our American society and cultural beliefs but please hang with me so I can explain myself.
It’s a message I think a lot of mothers and wives need to hear. You don’t have to be EVERYTHING and no, you’re never going to be “enough”. I’ll say it again, you don’t have to be everything and no, you’re never, ever going to be “enough”.
That’s right.
I said it. I’ve said it to the opposition of about a million memes and inspirational quotes that say you deserve this or that, you are enough, you can do whatever you put your mind to.
Like I said, hang in there and hear me out.
I have four amazing children and a wonderful husband. I love them dearly. It is through being a mother and wife that I have come to know God and His love so much more. My understanding, though still limited and maturing, has broadened and deepened in what I thought would’ve been impossible ways.
The day to day, though? Sometimes the day to day can get you. The bickering over annoying things your spouse does. The laundry is heaped on pretty much every surface and in every room to some degree and in various stages of the wear, wash, dry, put away, wear cycle. The dishes in the sink. A stinky dog your husband hates that smells like rotten cheese and the potential vet bill when you finally exhaust all DIY options to help his allergy ridden skin and take him to a pro. The cost of feeding a horde. The whining, the complaining, the vacations that aren’t really a vacation because you never actually stop momming.
I could go on and on. It’s not all pancakes at the breakfast table and smiles all around. Sometimes it’s syrup on the floor and a ten-year-old threatening violence on one of her brothers. It’s messy. It’s hard. And it is in the midst of these everyday difficulties and battles we lose track of ourselves and our goals. It begins to feel like work instead of a calling. Believe me, it should feel like a calling because it is one. Sometimes we get angry or bitter and in our sleep deprived state we have a tendency to look at things negatively.
It’s hard work and it takes sacrifice. A lot of women quit jobs and stay at home to raise their children, they sacrifice careers and financial independence. All of us sacrifice sleep. You've taken care of sick people when you yourself were also sick. You stayed up listening to a baby with an upper respiratory infection breathe just to make sure they’re ok. You’ve scrubbed something nasty out of carpet and cut gum out of hair. You’ve found rocks in your washing machine. We tend to hold onto how hard things are and let it make us hard and very often sad and unfulfilled. On top of the actual work, it takes to raise children and be a good wife, you have the world around you telling you lies that almost certainly make everything seem worse.
When I was a little girl, I was taught I could do whatever I wanted to when I grew up. When asked I what I wanted to be as a grown up my first answer was always a Mommy. I was almost always questioned further, “No, what would you like to do for a job? To make a living?” Women nowadays are told they can do and be everything they want to be. They can have a career and be a wife and mother. They can play a traditional role in the home as caretaker, the one who cooks and cleans and looks after and teaches the children but also work outside the home. I know many women who manage working full time and raising children beautifully. But they have great balancing skills. The truth is if you only have 100 percent to give and you're giving it in ten different places no one role gets all of you. It’s ok to say no to some things if they aren’t the best things at that time. It’s not only ok, it’s necessary.
The other lie the world tells you, maybe when you’re struggling to be everything, the wife, mother, career woman, parent volunteer, etc. maybe when you’re overwhelmed and discouraged is you are enough. You can do this. You've got this. It’s meant to be encouraging and comes from a good place but it’s not true. What we should be telling each other is God’s got this. Pray.
I am not enough, all on my own, to be the kind of mother I know God wants me to be. He’s given me gifts. Honestly, gifts that I had no idea would help me with these crazy kids. He’s equipped me well for the role of mother. But just me, is not enough.
As mothers we must understand that yes, we are Daughters of the King, we have purpose and God has plans for us and has created masterpieces in us, but we are never whole, enough without Him. His Love. His Word. Jesus’ sacrifice.
We are not enough without God, and I would even say it is very important for wives and mothers to lean in hard and heavy; into God, His Word, our prayers. Without Him making us whole, showing us where He wants us to use our gifts, we’re merely well intentioned. And maybe we would do ok without him. Maybe our kids survive childhood and grow into wonderful adults. Maybe our marriages last. But if we didn’t lean into God and His wisdom and mercy, what did we miss? Could we have done so much more, loved so much more fiercely? Impacted our families in just the very way they needed it?
Satan wants us to be distracted. He wants our eyes everywhere but where it should be, which is on Jesus. We willingly give Satan our attention. We are so busy doing all the jobs that we’re distracted from focusing on the really important one. The role of wife and mother, matriarch, women of the house. We’re so busy trying to tell ourselves that we’ve got this and we’re enough that it turns in to selfish neglect of God’s plan. Satan wants us to be discouraged. He wants us to think we can do everything all on our own and it’s just not true. As a matter of fact, I really don’t want this to be about my plan. Debbie’s plan is probably pretty flawed. I want on the God plan.
We need God just like that dry earth getting pounded with rain outside my window NEEDS water. We don’t master any of this without Him but, when serving Him comes first, how much richer, more purposeful and beautiful are our lives? If we are so consumed with self, we’ll never see how he cares for us, loves us, guides us, we won’t see the forest because we’re so busy with the trees.
So, momma. You’re doing great. Honestly. It’s ok to feel overwhelmed.
We’ve all had babies with diaper explosions when in public and found we forgot the diaper bag. We’ve all been so angry with our children that we lose even more sleep over how guilty we feel because we got angry. We've all marveled at how husbands get sicker than EVERYONE else when we pass around a bug. We’ve all had ancient French fries in the nooks and crannies of our vehicles, and we’ve all felt that deep in your bone's momma tired.
What a relief that it’s not all up to you. God meets you right there if you ask Him, when your kids have had one fight too many that day and you’re ready to hurt someone if they don’t just stop it. When you cannot comprehend how you can possibly do all the work in front of you. When your youngest paints the kitchen with an exploding can of Dr. Pepper. You don’t have to figure it all out. Better still, you are part of one of the most important jobs God has for anyone on this planet. To love and nurture children and to support a husband. The world, Satan would have you believe you are so much lesser for serving God in this way and it’s just a lie.
Motherhood and wifehood(??) aren’t glamorous they are beautiful and a stunning design from God.
