In this my Fortieth Year Part One

In this my fortieth year:  Embracing the beauty in imperfection Part One

Reading this blog today will require a measure of Grace.  I’d appreciate if you’d extend that to me and trust that I’d do you the same favor a thousand times over for you… as long as you didn’t do something really terrible like wear socks with your flip flops, drink all my Dr. Pepper or call Texas stupid, but who does stuff like that??

I’ve been in a bit of a creative slump.  Even, dare I say it, a life slump.  I haven’t written or made anything especially notable lately and for someone like me that’s kind of crippling.  I need an outlet for all my various thoughts and ideas and more important than that, I’m one who shares things. 

These things are crucial to functional living.  I’ve been thinking why this may be and it’s partly because I’m currently caught up in the perfection game.  If I cannot present something perfect, or something that matches the picture I have in my head to the most intricate detail I give up before I can even get started. 

I need to mention too that I’m bumbling along in the life goals department as well.  I have no get up and go and my inner bad a** is missing in action.  WE had this huge change of pace selling our home, working towards buying land, working on our relationships and marriage and I feel like the tide is back out and I’m standing on the beach wondering where my sandcastle went. 

When I was doing my psych class in nursing school, we were studying Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Attention Deficit Disorder.  Most people think of OCD and they think of perfectionists, “Neat Freaks” and repetitive handwashing.  When you think of people with ADD or ADHD you think of constant distraction from tasks and daydreaming.  What’s interesting is that some people will manifest their diagnosis a different way.  Sometimes one will see a big task, become overwhelmed with their investment in it, wanting it to be perfect.  They’ll become discouraged by their inability to break it down into small, manageable tasks that are part of the greater goal.  They’ll give up.  They’ll beat themselves up and that great thing that they wanted to do won’t get done. 

Now, I’m not saying I’m OCD or ADHD or whatever.  I’m just me.  However, I can relate in a big way.  This is a personality trait that has held me back all my life. 

I just turned 39.  This is my fortieth year.  I’m not all caught up in the age thing but I am nonetheless perturbed.  I don’t think of 40 as old.  I don’t feel old.  Well, except when I try and go for a run or lose weight or go to work and take care of new mommas that were born when I was twenty but whatever.  There ARE some things I would like to do before I hit that milestone. 

For one thing, I feel like society today literally drives us to distraction.  I find myself not really doing much of anything with purpose or conviction and a lot of days I’m sort of floating about like a jellyfish.  Ya’ll know how I feel about being a jellyfish.  Our purpose is not to mindlessly float about, consume and reproduce.  But we, especially as those raising kids are constantly bombarded with tactics to improve ourselves.

There are self improvement plans everywhere you look and for every area of life. The message to us is “you’re not good enough to do this thing, not yet”.

We are undeserving of Jesus but God have us gifts we need to be using.

There are some things that I feel God is leading me to do and accomplish that I’m not even working on because I’m consumed with other unnecessary things.  They’re like junk food for my soul and I’m not feeling so great.  Like I had spiritual Red Vines and Cheetos and washed it down with Mountain Dew.

For the next few weeks I’m going to take a look at how to feel better and get where I want to go.

 What keeps us from getting there?  Is it really a matter of life happening and things going on that we can’t control?  Or do we give up at the first sign of adversity?  OR, are we so consumed with improving ourselves that we dig our heels in and never move.

I’m going to post more frequently.  I’m not going to worry too much about whether or not my material is catchy or at what level of funny or meaningful it might be.  I’m going to write without any concern for a future publisher or sponsor randomly finding me and picking up my work.  Yes, these are things that run through my head before I post anything on this blog. 

I’m going to write what I want because this is usually something someone else might need to hear. If I share what’s on my heart I usually don’t misstep.

I feel guilty wasting time on things like writing and creating, too. As if I don’t deserve it until I get all my ducks, kids, husband, church life, all in a row.

What are you not doing? And why? Please share.  Let me encourage you! You are you for a reason and you’re doing just fine!

The theme of the next six weeks is getting rid of those things that aren’t necessary and that are bogging us down and focusing on the things that matter.  In order to focus on the things that matter we need to understand that imperfection is necessary and part of the bigger, prettier whole. 

Follow me with this.  Let’s clear the crud. 

*Pictured above is my fresh, backyard raised eggs from my friend.  Not one is like the other.  They’re not all white and perfect.  But they’re gorgeous!  Not to mention tasty.